Communication failure applies to more than Internet Connections.

[reaching4heaven]

Would anyone like to share some pointers on how to communicate better with a spouse? When there is a problem that must be addressed & you know from past experience that it will immediately get your loved one frustrated and angry to even mention the subject, how do you go about it?

[newbie]

Would anyone like to share some pointers on how to communicate better with a spouse? When there is a problem that must be addressed & you know from past experience that it will immediately get your loved one frustrated and angry to even mention the subject, how do you go about it?

Hi Reaching,
I think this is why God made us different.    We all know what has to be done but often times it is hard getting started when overwhelmed.  I don't know if there is anything you can do other than to sow the seed and then back off and wait and see if they will come around later.  They might even think it is their idea the second time around.   

Wait.....  do what you can in your own area and with the kids and get that all spiffed up. 

Men tend to be more territorial than women and it is possible that there is some security in all of it...  I hope I"m not out of line on that one fellas, and would be interested in your input.  Some of the stuff that we think is 'junk' he may think he will need it for his next project or if something breaks he has a spare part?

Before you do anything major..... plant seeds about 6 months before to get them used to the idea or at least thinking about it.  Then, when the time comes, they will have thought it through a bit and more willing to help out or do whatever needs to be done.  By all means get his input and cooperation on the project whatever it is.

Pray for God's guidance always.... 

[wondering]

This is a good topic. As I heard one person say, Samson wasn't the only one to kill with a Jawbone. So often marriages are killed by a lack of communication.

[1WVMom]

I am not sure if this would work in your situation but...A pastor told me one time to write my husband a letter.  Don't accuse just tell them how you feel about the situation.  Don't make it a defensive letter either. 

Pray before you write it that you write just the right thing.

[Slingshot]

Willard Harley wrote an excellent book entitled His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage.  Harley is a Christian but the book is not written from an overtly Christian perspective.

His thesis is that men and women have different needs and communicate differently. Affairs occur when people are unable to meet their spouse's needs or are simply unaware of them. As an attorney who counsels with people considering divorce on a weekly basis, I have found this little book to be astonishingly accurate.

My spouse and I have read it together and really enjoyed it. If you want to understand what your spouse is thinking and why, this book would be an excellent place to start.

[reaching4heaven]

This is a good topic. As I heard one person say, Samson wasn't the only one to kill with a Jawbone. So often marriages are killed by a lack of communication.

Yes, I agree we have to be careful how we say things. To say too much can be overwhelming.  To say nothing leaves one person all bottled up like a shaken soda pop about ready to burst and the other person thinking everything's peachy & has no idea what's building...

[reaching4heaven]

Willard Harley wrote an excellent book entitled His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage.  Harley is a Christian but the book is not written from an overtly Christian perspective.

His thesis is that men and women have different needs and communicate differently. Affairs occur when people are unable to meet their spouse's needs or are simply unaware of them. As an attorney who counsels with people considering divorce on a weekly basis, I have found this little book to be astonishingly accurate.

My spouse and I have read it together and really enjoyed it. If you want to understand what your spouse is thinking and why, this book would be an excellent place to start.

Clarifying...The books focus isn't on affairs & heading off a divorce, but on learning to understand each other, right? No way are we in the affair/divorce category, just major communication failure.

[reaching4heaven]

I am not sure if this would work in your situation but...A pastor told me one time to write my husband a letter.  Don't accuse just tell them how you feel about the situation.  Don't make it a defensive letter either. 

Pray before you write it that you write just the right thing.

Letter writting is definitely a less confrontational means of communicating and allows one to make corrections to get it "just right" the first time.

[reaching4heaven]

Would anyone like to share some pointers on how to communicate better with a spouse? When there is a problem that must be addressed & you know from past experience that it will immediately get your loved one frustrated and angry to even mention the subject, how do you go about it?

I know I'm not the only one who needs to learn how to communicate  better with their spouse so I intentionally left the problem out of the discussion. I have a friend who thought her marriage was great yet the husband complained to other people - he didn't say anything to her because he didn't like to get yelled at and her form of communicating was "my way is right and you will agree." I would say both parties had a problem communicating. It is so important to learn how to hear & understand what each other is saying and keep the family circle closed to outsiders as much as possible. 

I started to say a few things that were a little personal so I changed a few of my responses w/o changing the meaning of what I said. I hope it doesn't confuse anyone. Sorry. I'll try to do better.

[Slingshot]

Clarifying...The books focus isn't on affairs & heading off a divorce, but on learning to understand each other, right? No way are we in the affair/divorce category, just major communication failure.

The focus of the book is on understanding and communicating with your spouse. Of course, if you do that, you are extremely unlikely to become divorced or even to have an unhappy marriage. Check it out. I think you'll like it!